sometimes I get in these modes.. and I just feel like total shit.

   Today was one of those days.. when you realize how much you still care about someone, when you realize that its far too late to voice any sort of opinion, when you realize that nobody might care about your work, when you realize how close your work is to being done, and how the journey of getting it all together is almost over.. its like postpartum almost, one of those days, on many fronts.  its one of those days where i feel like taking all my money out of the bank accounts, and driving really far, and on the way just throwing my phone out the window, and saying sorry to everyone, and saying sorry at the River, at the Future.  seeing my people in the CLSTR, and asking them where I went wrong.

   I wish the PARADIGM was real, in a way, because since this morning.  I have so many questions to ask the stars, to ask the souls that passed.. because I dont know what to do anymore.  I know it sounds cheesy, but I dont know how to let the work go, and standing next to you at her open casket, you leaned in and kissed her on the cheek.. I didnt hear what you said to her, but it wasnt meant for me anyways.. its just hard letting these things go, its hard because this work is so personal, and having read over it twice now, I feel the pain thats been buried, I read it in the words, and especially in the ones I have yet to add to the second draft.  I feel the things coming to the surface, that somehow I managed to forget, living at the train station, walking beneath the moon for a shower... I managed to forget how I really felt beneath the surface of 'soldiering on' and in these words, I feel the regret, the wish for a different turnout -on so many fronts, I feel it all in this work, and im sorry to report that Polyester is a much more emotional piece than it seems