all in all, pretty good day.  Got a deal, kicked it.. or did I have two?  actually, I think one guy came back yesterday (off) and bought it but credited me or something like that.  Not sure, but

   tomorrow might suck.

   Really.

   Two appointments, in a three hour period.. Must.Plan.Ahead.

but really,

   I should start the signing of one, and get the car prepped to be delivered.. and immediately turn over appointment #2.. and try to get a third for the last hour or so.. maybe into "O.T." and close two, get that one half on the other.. and If I could do this at two separate jobs every day.. commission even.. I might buy Corona while i'm at it.. stay for free at any hotel, and hit Solvang on the even weekends, and take only the positives, adding a little racing to the equation, adding a few pancakes in the morning, looking out a early window at all the other tourists and fake lovers of the city, all the other winners -hiding out.

 

I can't hurt you anymore

im really going to miss this face,

so in an attempt to make me happy... I plan to buy another dog.  I plan to raise them, and give them the most  gnarliest possible canine existence, ever.  Window down, head out, maybe a bong rip to the snout or two... I honestly thought that when the bunionblood story was over, when it was finally published and 'out of my system' I thought I would feel alot better, but literally the day of, the day it was finally published and first copies sent to my house was when this spiral started, and im back at it, im back smoking copious amounts of weed, and drinking.  I just feel really down, I just feel even more chained, or glued, or held down.. but its been more than a year and the words "oh boy, I can't hurt you anymore" are not true.. im still hurt, im still pouring alcohol on my cuts and blowing smoke into them, in a hope that they will feel better, in hopes that I will be someone im not, in hopes that life will just forget about all the things it's promised, when I was little, and leave me behind in the history books of this city that knew me

   im just in this mindsent right now, and maybe the passed few days.. thinking about all the historic animals of our time.. the pigeon who delivered messages in the first world war, saving thousands of troops.  The horse Alexander the Great possessed.

   I got this cat maybe 8-10 years ago, or something.  His name is Kenny.  His tail looks like it was cut off, his color is shaded, he is missing teeth, he pees constantly, and even with his annoying meow, I still think he is one of the best, most loyal and daring cats I've ever had.  He comes when I call, he likes my friends, he eats whatever... He's a true scavenger, and creative in his hunting.  Admittedly, there were some doubts when we first got him from the pound.  Sure he would run away, or fuck up another cat.. something had to go wrong, and he was a little hard to "break in", but every bit of my time, and days I thought he would never come home.. It's been worth it, because in this same mindset, I think that any beast, or animal, or whatever, anything that comes with teeth and not only shows them, but breaks skin as well... It's all worth it, in the end.

   Remember that part on Avatar?  climbing up waterfalls to claim your prize, an animal, a tool...

and you seriously need to understand that these feelings, or realizations, or revelations, or whatever.. its like having a baby.. you and the... whatever it is -have a baby in your brain, and the things you think about never leave you.. so either you add on to that, you expand it a little bit, or you leave it be -after, its up to you, but this "baby" is illegal, according to our government, and that is NO JOKE, because our government has done alot for us, alot of good.  So you need to ask yourself if serving time is worth it, because jail/prison is NO JOKE (once again)... you really take your FREEDOM for granted until you've spent a day in prison, and that shit is not worth it, trust me.  There's legal hallucinogens, though they may not be good for you..at least you can have a similar, or ball park experience until you decide to visit, and venture those vast, yet easily accessible parts of the world where said ingredients are allowed, and legal to ingest.  Work for it though, plan on it being a two year journey until it finally happens, don't obsess over the acquisition, just seriously meditate/"pray on it" and they will come to you.

   prison, and the (sometimes) negative imprint on your brain, and character just aren't worth it at times.  I know curiosity killed the cat, but it certainly wasn't a reason the cat was living for.

   Let me tell you, the deep person in your psyche can be a little overbearing at times, but if mastered it can be a world of fun.. its like the part on avatar when they climb to the top of those waterfalls and find the flying beasts, or winged things... a horse like Eclipse or Bucephalus that can easily kick you off, and into some truth you don't want to face, and not to personalize it or anything, because it might not be about you, but it'll demoralize, and cripple what you thought was true... Revealing (behind the curtain) an ultimate destiny of things, and sometimes it isn't pretty -like a postcard, sometimes -it's shit... like an LA news report.

   So get used to the idea of a spiritual, cosmic shift in the fiber of your personal history,

but keep in mind, life is part of a discovery, its an existence, so don't fear the unknown, don't fear what may or may not happen, because sometimes, rolling the dice in Vegas at three in the morning is worth it, worth it
for the next few years.. You just never know until you do it yourself.

   if it's something that makes you feel seperated from greatness, than how worth it.. how much value does "greatness" have?

do it, because theres only one shot at life, but careful you don't overstep personal boundries, because some fears are God given, and some gardens aren't worth giving up, so be careful with the fig leafs used to cover, because there will be judgement in our future, im sure of it, and some things just aren't worth knowing, so be careful what you let passed the gates of your mind, because what was warned against is actually something true, and not just in that hebrew/greek culture but in the history of mankind.. theres a reason these things are warned against, and not to be taken lightly, so if you're a tourist in some hostile city, don't bother because thatsame town might just spit you out the first day, and sometimes enemy territory just isn't worth it, and
you already know that some "victories" (in sport) are actually defeats.. just because you win one game, doesnt mean the series is yours.. and this inner beast, this consciousness may be too loud, but go for it.  You never know what a road is like until you get out of your car and walk it.    

f**k yeah times 4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LOeImx0kW4

   fuck yeah.. did you know the MSOTS album was produced by the same dude that did one of their first albums?  Listen to "come with me" and you'll see what I mean, compare it to "their" last song.  Think about it.

goodnight

all's I can say is that, well... music that didnt used to hit me as hard.. maybe It was "cheesy" "corny" "annyoing" etc.. all those songs I heard but didn't really understand, well, they're hitting me now, in a different way.  For example this Phil Collins song I've been hearing at work (lol)..well, I accidentally came across the music video on YouTube (maybe I looked it up...) has just hit me square in the jiblets.  I mean, holy shit, this dude was really singing, this dude knows some shit, and i've been wanting to go see some theater lately.. some real theatre.. like plays, and shit, but not The Crucible.. i've seen that way too many times now, not that I like it or anything, but just chance, or fate, or whatever -has forced me to sit through it too many damn times, AND IM SICK OF IT.

so im hitting the victoria gardens theater this Sunday.  You should go  

   Last night, I treated myself to a late showing of the Dark Knight Rises (third viewing).

Sometimes you just need to take yourself out on a date.  Do this once a week (my recommendation).

   Out in the cold, with foam, with what washes up...we stand facing the waves, and in silence, we stood facing the ocean as it rushes in and lifts us off our feet, pushing us towards the shore -we swim.  We swim passed the late hours, and meteors going the opposite way.  We say nothing about the passed month, or what we're doing tomorrow, or after this dip, and feeling the sand shifting beneath our feet, we say nothing about the times we let each other down, or the ignored calls we "missed."

   Nothing matters out here -feeling the waves pull your body, feeling the waves take you under the stars.  Letting go of the fear, and want to control, with her standing next to you, with her equally on the level.  It's the time in my life that I lived young, and refused to age -kicking in the water, and going with the flow, it's the times you give up, and stop doubting yourself, stop doubting your ability to move passed the fear, and into the unknown, into the place where you're taken and focused on an outcome, a need to stand and breathe the air of calm waters and miles to yourself.  Get to that place, and I'll see you there..

TGS (06)

im not sure why this is relevant, especially right now.. but I've seen this movie before.  I actually saw it in the theater when it came out... Thinking it would be something different, younger, I was disappointed, let down.. and never really gave it second thought -almost forgot I even saw it..one of those, you know?  but now, about a lifetime later, I think its pretty brilliant, see the message and try to decipher the analogies.  Find it funny, fishing, find it funny the timing.  Interesting.

   Victory, driving a chariot of two horses.  Denarius, 88BC.

"like a scared animal, rabbit.. I saw a shadow run.."

bum bum bumbum.

so I guess to do it right (if you really want my opinion, or whatever) I guess how to do it right is:  Buy them beforehand.  I'm talking three months before, at least.  Take care of the bag.. store it in different places throughout this period, and not in sunlight at all, but really.. develop a sort of.. mental relationship with them, just habiting your space.  Maybe crack open the container and smell them a little bit.  just prepare for your very soul to be invaded, and also a question of identity to be posed.. they force you to redfine yourself in a way.  It's definitely a breach of alien form,

   just be prepared to re-think the world as you know it,

and sometimes it isn't pretty.

   you'll hear sounds different, and see beautiful colors in your head, get lost in your food, if you can even
sort a process out... It's a strange relationship because sometimes you just feel retarded, and other times you're enlightened beyond all Eastern Daoist belief..functioning, in-class, driving, being around family, or at work or something.  Its truly a roll of the dice.  Whether there's a dog show on t.v., or a spiderweb in your room, you're going to have a blast, or analyze something to no end.. so I'd recommend not camping, or rock climbing in Nevada, or doing anything extreme, or balls out like that.. whether alone, or with friends THE FIRST TIME should be a little more controlled.. maybe later, but not now.. for this time, or JOURNEY or whatever.. I'd say just chill in your home, room, house or whatever, preferably with a pet near by, some good music, and... you're seriously going to cry at Spock dying, or laugh your ass off at one line for the rest of the movie.. it seriously can be a ridiculous time if you're just watching 'Ice Age' or playing the original Super Mario Brothers on 8-bit Nintendo (that game takes alot more instinct than you'd imagine. Lol) but anyways, its a make-or-break point for the next year of your life unless you're down to try it again for a new result.. but I'd say don't get crazy with it, maybe a total of five times throughout your life, and people always say to avoid a mirror, but I say go for it, a must-do even.  the mirror I mean, but if you choose not to "do" them or something, keep in mind they're really no big deal to miss out on. hope this helps...

"Somebody knows.."