actually having a real, meaningful conversation with my ex-girlfriend is nice.  I'll admit, ive been feeling pretty lonely lately, and realizing that I cant really accomplish all my goals or a possible relocation on my own...or at least I could, but it wouldnt be as fun as sharing them or success with a best friend, with someone closer than anyone else, and im actually really scared to start something new with anybody else.. just the whole afraid to eat in front of them process... I would just rather do this with someone that ive already known before, because yes, yes I do.. I have trust issues.. there.

    It's on blogspot now, for everyone to see.

more tellings of issues and blunders to come

across

   all the places you'll sleep, homeless animals you feed, and other people you meet... That's what makes waking up at 319 worth it, when someone knows you aren't there, when the freeways don't stop moving for you, yeah -you, taking a bath with a spray bottle, mixture of water and body wash with shampoo.  Nobody stops, or cares, or gives a fuck if you're in a situation, or agreement -it doesn't matter.  Nothing matters anymore, but when you eat and where you'll sleep.  The next place to change some clothes newly bought, just so in private -you'll feel better about yourself, so the dreams you continue no longer haunt you in the day, so you forget the sins, and faces, and lips that wait. 

   Visualize all the restraunts -with bathrooms close by, with food under five dollars, though you cruise around with 1400 in the bank..

all that matters isn't the routine of tomorrow, it's the mystery of now

   im lying on all these forms about my current address, and in my newly purchased earbuds, listening to music again.. How wrong I was in taking for granted the ability to play, and listen to choice music on demand.. how wrong I was in taking for granted such simple things in life, and missing them all, wrapped up in a jacket and newly bare feet, asleep in the public, asleep by the train station.. work in the morning, I spend all the night before talking to a friend, talking about this newly formed journey. 

They say people don't know what to tell you, when you're moving in a vessel, because they're not sure how to reach you, or where you travel,

   and where I travel is all on me, with my newly acquired riches and commerce. 

hard drive plugged into a library computer, finally online, finally able to browse the internet again.  All the play dough, asleep in their pastor's beds.  all the fearful asleep under someone elses roof, and Miami calling across the country, across the moonwaves and light.  I peer outside from my car and into the night sky, its millions of miles away, and feeling the shift, of cosmic eyes, shining down on me, I feel the shift and the fever pitch, I feel it all   

sometimes I listen to this music, and look at pictures of cities I want to live in.  The skyline, and way our Sun hits the horizon, reflects off the metal and brainchild of a thousand years.. I hold onto the hope that one day I'll live to see them in person, with a few friends and a place to sleep.  Finally washing my hair, and wondering who else is out there feeling the same, who else is out there seeing things like I do, with a cute girl laying next to me, breathing slowly on a purple pillow, liking the music I do.

I wonder who else is out there, that feels like things will never change, but get worse and debts increase, and beings coming to pass, and the cycle continues...

my ultimate goal in life is to be making money at my job without physically being there. 

and while I was "Draining the lizard" today.. I thought about it, and today might be the first day this has actually happened.. I have a dude coming in to sign for a car we test drove, and I left another guy with his daughter waiting to be financed.. so I'm on two deals without even being at work.  Cool.  

and on another note.. I just want to send a nod out, and say that I took to an example, I took to an ideal, and I'm not sure if it'll "work out" (see: Is Karma Intentional?) but basically, i'm wondering what the truth is behind this advise, or teaching given.  It is said that good judgement, experience, and insight are some basic characteristics or fundamental to it all.  I can't say that I exemplify any of the words aforementioned, but I will say I want to learn more, and put these tools into practice -eventually into 'full on' use.

so here it goes, and it doesnt seem so great anymore, but here it goes.. just wanted to say thanks.

so whatever happened long ago, let's just leave it there.. Let's just move on from the bit, and fix the cracks in our windows, and let the scars heal, and wash our clothes, and forget about the times we yelled, or bailed out on the other.

   Let's just forget about the times we walked passed, ignoring another.

   I'm not holding it against you, or asking anyone to take a step back, but go another forward in the way you're pointed, go another for all the times you held back, pushed it down.  The light is on, and darkness exposed, it's time to walk, it's time to go.  Be strong, and show me where you stand, smoke out the enemy, make me pour out, everything I ever missed, everything I stood for that was wrong, and malignant in your eyes.

   Restore to the innocence, restore to the hours before -when it all began, before the kitchen was stained and little ones cried, before we were taken out of our minds and said the things we couldnt take back, before it all happened and my truth told...

end of the line

   Frankenstein... He's parked next to my grandfather's car (not sure what he named it) but anyways, I got a ticket that day.

   I parked it on the street and I guess you're not allowed to do that because of the street cleaner or something.. Welp, either way, I paid it.. and the whole time wondering, maybe realizing the whole situation is like a Steven Spielberg tragedy.. I guess what i'm trying to say is that the State itself is going through some tough times.. As in, A few counties are going through chapter 11's or whatever, they're bankrupt, and the national debt is an astronomical figure -so im paying for this shit???

   Why do they need my 60 bucks?  It's not going to bail them out of anything, anyway.  Oh well.

California.  What can I say

it's 126am.. and it feels like 7 ion the morning to me.

   welcome to LA 

   It's the horse.  The propulsion and movement, full force behind the beast that drives you, the soul covered by all the veins, and skin and warts and boils.  Fingernails, and toes, arches and vertebrae.  It's all the part, waving from the bomb, as the frame changes and the bay opens... They ride it to the bottom, through the black and white image, through the humor and script, awards and passed on dvds.

It's the elephant, or chariot, or song that hums, gently through the speakers and bounces off your walls.

Harpsichord improvisation -solo to coda...    

audiovox

the random visits, the ones unexpected are the best.. where they come from when you're reaching into the refrigerator... For watermelon, for grapes, and pizza, and corn -with green beans, peas, carrots..etc.. when you feel the movement, the phone, and its their name on the screen..  Glad it happened, really happy about the visit.. even though it "interrupted" the penguin fights on BBC.  The smashing of eggs, and stealing others babies.  Couldn't believe what I was seeing, literally sitting there, mouth open, and full of food.. How, or who documents this footage, who obtains it under what conditions just gets to me.. Imagine following a polar bear around, for miles.

   he shits, he sleeps, he wakes up -does it all over again.  

but over the seas, and under the water.. the tape rolls.  Hours, days, weeks, years.  Trained on this poor dude, who (by the way) dies at the end.

   Dedication.

and that is what we're talking about here.