anyways

sometimes when I'm typing, or plotting my next string of words.. sometimes when I look back over the artwork, and collection of images that have influenced me.. I start wondering if what i'm doing is really "worth it".. I start wondering if it really has all of me injected inside.. I wonder if one day my work, or my words, or what I publish will come back to bite me in the ass somewhere, sometime on a campaign commercial or some shit.. and funny enough, most of the politicians, and statesmen.. most of them that control the military, or control the money, or the regular people.. most of these politicians have never lived as regular people or served in the military.. Tonight, im convinced in this theatre, that we all pick a role, and try to act it the best we know how, but sometimes on this stage, I really doubt what im doing, I really doubt anyone will "get it" or feel the same, and its a tough mindset to push through, it's a tough wavelength to compete against, it's a tough volume to drown out.. All the Oceania tracks or guitar solos couldnt downplay what I feel, or the kids screaming in my neighborhood outside.. Sometimes I just feel like deleting everything, and starting over, or not even doing this shit at all, and it's all the options that kill me, it's the fact that we can only work one road at a time, because when I started working on art, when I started a sort of creative lifestyle or whatever, I had one avenue in mind:  Music.

   I can't even do that,

I feel like im on a wheel, with work, with bills, with this fucking parking ticket I got at my grandpas yesterday.. with this system of life.. I just want to quit my job and write, get stoned and play hours of guitar in a studio apartment overlooking Rome, or Vienna..some sort of place with an ancient art history, and meet thousands of people my age, and live in a world unaffected by the orange haired lunatics and freak shows.. Times like these, looking at my work and comparing it with what's going on in the world.. times like these sadden me -to think that a family can't watch a movie in peace, to think that a dream won't be a reality, no matter how bad we want it, to see the affects of aging on someone we love.  Nights like these, I hate to know whats going on, around me, and wish there was some sort of hole I could crawl into and come out with all sorts of visionary material.. dvds, LP's, paintings, novels, textbooks on subjects that don't exist, etc...

nights like these, I don't want to be me at all