a promise

   just been thinking about all the people ive known, teachers from every grade, and instructors from each class.. co-workers, bosses, enemies, kids, and training partners that fucked me up.  Girlfriends, and interests, and how, and when we first started hanging out.
 
   what they did to influence me, shape me, mold me, and guide me.  How I saw them, in the times we spent it together, in the times we were driving at night, or drinking together.  ive done my best to remember every single one, and think about what characteristics ive taken from them, and how different they made me, how friendship has steered, and charted some aspects of my life, but ive fallen so far, and often lay back, viewing this house that overlooks the train station, up on top of this hill, and wonder, and know -why it's not me up there, but how i've fallen, how ive mutated and transformed into this animal.  And it's not a "woe is me", failed relationships type selfish bullshit, but more or less like so much was wasted, so much potential, i just sat back and watched.. sink down the drain with our future, with all the words i could've said, or notes I didn't write.

there are no second chances


   no other time in our lives,
will we suck on the pierced right ear and stare into each other's eyes, drive our cars next to each other, and turn all over the roads, and laugh at each other's requests in light of a movie, in light of a fire or Italian restraunt.  Our red shirts, our brown eyes, lost.  Each other's side, and turning my back -when she faced to look at me... It's hard to find self forgiveness, for missing out, for rejecting yourself, for not feeling good enough, worth someone's love, worth someone's future.. but I didn't, I didn't feel like I could handle it all, like it was together myself, like the skeletons were ready, like the laundry was clean enough, I never believed in myself to fully deliver, but having showered for the first time in days, and awake at the train station.. a seagull floats over, and I wonder if it sees me, I wonder what it's thinking about, worrying about, migrating for, because I want that drive, and im sorry to for all the people I stayed around, and kept around, and cut out the ones that needed me, that I needed.. How stupid are we, when we think we have it all, when we think there's so much more remaining, no matter what we do?  How stupid we are, and how stupid I was for not holding on, not realizing that it could all be taken from me, that things could change, that if I fought harder, or more, for who and what I truly care about, maybe I wouldn't be sleeping here anymore, maybe I wouldn't be alone, or at least have a dog, or bald cat.  Even if they puked, on my garage floor, even if they shed a ton of hair.. I'd be fine.  It doesn't matter anymore, and not saying that I would just leave it there, all over three stories in this house or whatever, but I mean that it wouldn't be such a big deal anymore.  That I don't think I would feel the same, about it.  Not to say I cared a whole lot when my dad first brought him home, got him from the pound.  Kennel, his name converted to: Kenny.  My cat.  He was hella skiddish, sketchy and always hiding, but then he would disappear for a few days, and come back out of nowhere.  Pieces missing in his ears, and tail like half length, he was all fucked up, but as time went on, and he lost more teeth, he was throwing up more.  Sometimes on my bench press, sometimes on my lawn mower, and once he threw up on my dog.  At the time I was pissed, spraying down the tile, spraying down the carpet with another bottle of Febreze, wiping it out with paper towels, clumps of them.  I was pissed, yeah.  But now, if he did this.  I'd be happy to have him around, again.  I would be happy to clean up his shit.. well, sorta.  But if I make it out of this thing, and away from this fucking train station, in a home with four walls and a bed to call my own, I promise, I promise myself I'll live different.